- Indian Humour (Jokes On Indians)
- American Humour (Jokes On Americans)
- Tech Humour
Here is a collection of my favorite jokes. Most of them are what I had heard or improved up on. There is wit and wisdom up here; many humorous anecdotes and quotes; and a whole of bevy of others that simply defy description. I do not claim any copyright on these jokes.
I do however have a copyright on a jokebook containing over 2000 fresh clean jokes. It is one of the biggest jokebooks ever written.
Indian Humour (Jokes On Indians)
I will begin with India because Mera Bharath Mahan!
Russians and Indians
President Kosygin of the Soviet Union came to India. Indian officials took him on a sightseeing tour. When he came back, he was asked about his opinion about the country. The President complained about the "shining bottoms" he saw everywhere that he went. When Indians went to the Soviet Union they were traveling in a train with Kosgyin. They saw a "shining bottom" next to the tracks and promptly brought it to the attention of the President. The Soviet President immediately ordered his officials to catch that offending person. Sometime later, one of them approached Kosygin and whispered something in his ear. He said, "We caught that guy but he is claiming diplomatic immunity. He is the Indian ambassador."
A man wrote this letter to his objets d'affection.
Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much meditation, I have a strong inclination to become your relation.
As for my education and qualification it is not exaggeration or fabrication that I have passed matriculation with very little preparation. What do you say to the solemnisation of our marriage celebration according to the regulations, to the glorification of the modern civilization and with a view to the expansion of the population of the present generation.
On your approbation of this application I shall make preparation to improve my situation and if such obligation is worthy of commiseration it will be the augmentation of joy and exaltation of our joint dissimulation.
Thanking you in anticipation.
I remain a victim of your fascination.
To which, she replied:
Dear Mr. Victim,
Congratulations for your lengthy narration, of course, with full affection aimed at an application for a combination, which on examination I find it a fine presentation of your affirmation. But your inclination to become my relation should embrace more so that you may reach a high position.
You have passed the matriculation with little preparation. What about my graduation after a long botheration. So, improve your situation in education and make an application by acquisition of post graduation, the minimum qualification for consideration of marriage celebration. After your education attend the convocation and before taking your photo undergo beautification.
Further strict observation of the following condition is the regulation for the determination of our relation: consultation with my parents before approaching for any correction, communication of the confirmation that you are not a victim of any other fascination, and that procreation must not be your recreation.
In anticipation of solid action instead of continuation of paper conversation.
I remain unaffected by your attraction.
Why was Gandhi bald?
Well, Gandhi was doing தவம் (tapas) and God took his sweet time showing up. By the time God made his appearance, Gandhi was in a foul mood. God asked, "Son, what do you want?" Gandhi replied, "எனக்கு ஒரு மயிரும் வேணா!"
Gandhi's reply is in Tamil. Your OS and browser needs to have support for Tamil (Indic languages) for you to read the Tamil text. Try installing a font such as TAMu_Kadambri.ttf or Latha.ttf. If you do not know Tamil, then just don't bother. You will never get it, as the humour will be lost in translation.
American Humour (Jokes On Americans)
Will the guy who wants to be "one among many" stand up?
U.S. Continues Proud Tradition Of Diversity On Frontlines
CAMP COYOTE, KUWAIT: With blacks and Hispanics comprising more than 60 percent of the Army's ground forces in Iraq, the U.S. military is continuing its long, proud tradition of multiculturalism on the frontlines of war. "Though racism and discrimination remain problems in society at large, in the military, especially in the lower ranks where you find the cannon fodder, a spirit of inclusiveness has prevailed for decades," Gen. Jim White said Monday. "When it comes to having your head blown off by enemy fire, America is truly colorblind." - From TheOnion.com.
An Obama Joke
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."
Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the promised land."
Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the promised land!
Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, diminished savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
American companies will have a big shot at Iraqi oil.
- ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
- BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
- CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.
- DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.
- EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state.
- FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.
- GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.
- HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
- IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.
The future of India is in your hands.
It is difficult to find a black cat in a dark room, particularly when there is no cat.
In my 30-year history in the Drug Enforcement Administration and related agencies, the major targets of my investigations almost invariably turned out to be working for the CIA.
We shall introduce into this history in general only those events which may be useful first to ourselves and afterwards to posterity.
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
- George Santayana
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
We should always be disposed to believe that which appears to us to be white is really black, if the hierarchy of the church so decides.
I want no prisoners. I wish you to kill and burn. The more you kill and burn the better it will please me.
Only the ugly ones are protesting.
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
When you came, we held the land and you the Bible. Now, you hold the land and we the Bible.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
- Adam was but human - this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.
- A friend is someone who supports you when you are in the wrong. Just anyone will support you when you are in the right.
- Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
- Hinduism is a good religion, but very difficult.
- If you always tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
- It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
- Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
First, that their synagogues be burned down, and that all who are able toss sulphur and pitch; it would be good if someone could also throw in some hellfire...
Opinions are like a$$hole$. Everyone has one.
I don't need a microphone; I need a silencer.
Now, I think things have gotten so bad inside Iraq, from the standpoint of the Iraqi people, my belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators.
I helped make Mexico, especially Tampico, safe for American oil interests in 1914. I helped make Haiti and Cuba a decent place for the National City Bank boys to collect revenues in. I helped in the raping of half a dozen Central American republics for the benefits of Wall Street. The record of racketeering is long. I helped purify Nicaragua for the international banking house of Brown Brothers in 1909-1912. I brought light to the Dominican Republic for American sugar interests in 1916. In China I helped to see to it that Standard Oil went its way unmolested.
Not Worth It
It was heartening to see your editorial asking the Indian government not to send troops to Iraq. Some commentators have been supporting the idea of sending troops, imagining that it would fetch us a few crumbs in reconstruction contracts. But a certain streak of US politics has decided to canalise the collective grief of 9-11 for private profit. So why should we help them out by lowering the dignity of our men in uniform? Americans themselves never place their troops under a foreign commander; not even in UN-sponsored missions. They have troops in 130 countries and their resources are getting stretched in Iraq.
Iraq’s invasion seems to have sinister motivations. George Shultz of Bechtel* wrote an op-ed article in The Washington Times, months before the invasion, saying that “a strong foundation exists for immediate military action against [Saddam] Hussein and for a multilateral effort to rebuild Iraq after he is gone”. The neo-conservative think-tank “Project for the New American Century” (PNAC) reveals in a paper that President Bush and his cabinet were planning a premeditated attack on Iraq for “regime change” even before assuming power in January 2001. The document was authored by Dick Cheney (now the vice-president), Donald Rumsfeld (defence secretary), Paul Wolfowitz (Rumsfeld’s deputy), George W Bush’s younger brother Jeb and Lewis Libby (Cheney’s chief of staff).
Revolution is a trivial shift in the emphasis of suffering.
Knock Knock Joke On Java
(… a very long pause)